Breaking Mr. Wrong's Hold

Sometimes in life, two people meet, fall madly in love and live happily ever after without ever having to go through constant ups and downs and heartbreaks. There are those few who get it right on the first try...then there are the rest of us.

There are times where the person that you give your all to doesn't want or just can't give you same love, respect and effort in return. Then you're forced to make a decision: continue to hold on to something that isn't there, or acknowledge the fact that you deserve better and remove yourself from the situation. But, sometimes breaking the hold that someone can have over you is easier said than done. There can be a list as long as your arm of reasons that relationship is no good for you and will never work, but that one thing will make you defy all logic and hold you back from making what seems to be the best decision for everyone involved.

The situation between me and Mr. Wrong has been ongoing since high school. To this day, I can't make heads or tails of it. It seems ridiculous to continue to leave your heart in the care of someone who doesn't have any value for it, but I've done it time and time again. I've never been able to figure out what it is that keeps me coming back, but I haven't exactly tried either. Going against your better judgement is a lot easier when you refuse to think with your head despite your heart.

I'm 21 years old. I've been wearing blinders in regards to this relationship for five years now. I've finally reached the point where I'm ready and willing to acknowledge the fact that it's time to move on. I don't know where to begin, but I can see the ending in sight. I know it won't be easy, but breaking the hold Mr. Wrong has had on me for all these years is the only way that I'll ever be able to figure out what I really want and value in life and who knows, it may even lead to finding Mr. Right...

Down, but not Out,
-Niss, The Trophy on the Shelf (Even if No One Stops & Stares)

#nowplaying Destiny's Child - Bad Habit

It's Not Me, It's You

Once upon a time, there was a girl. This girl was smart, intelligent, working to put herself through her last year of college with her own apartment with no children. She was pretty, funny and had a bright future ahead of us. She met this guy. He was handsome, hardworking, educated and had no women, children and drama. Girl meets boy. Girl becomes smitten with boy and gets up the courage to tell boy how she feels about him. Boy feels the same way and they live happily ever after. Sounds like a cute PG-13 movie with the happy ending.

So many of us try to act like rejection doesn't happen to us, and for some people, that may be a reality. However, for the majority of us it isn't. Rejection is a part of life. What's good for the goose isn't always good for the gander. You can't be right for everyone. Just because you read signals wrong or you really genuinely felt something for someone who didn't feel the same way, it doesn't make you any less of a good person or any less worthy of having someone who will love you unconditionally someday.

So many of us try to avoid the feeling that being rejected gives us which leads to being afraid of expressing yourself and putting your heart out in the open. Sometimes you have to get hurt to know what it feels like when it's right. After you get over that initial feeling of hurt, you realize that rejection has nothing to do with your physical appearance, your personality, or whether or not you're deserving of someone loving you. Every rejection you bounce back from makes it easier to go out and take the next risk that may be the one to lead to your happy ending.

Just a thought :)

-Niss aka The Trophy on the Shelf (Even if No One Stops & Stares)

#nowplaying Wale - Beautiful Bliss (featuring J.Cole and Melanie Fiona)

To Cuff or Not to Cuff?

It's cuffin season. Everybody just feels the need to keep reminding me. It's about that time to turn up the heat and cuddle up under a warm blanket with a significant other. Why does cold weather make us want to settle down with another person? Is it because the body heat of another person feels good in comparison of the subzero temperatures of outside or is it something about being near another person that just puts a person in a good mood?

Who the hell knows? I sure don't. But come summer time, many people are ready to be free and have their fun. There's something about warm weather that just makes you want to be ratchet, I guess.

But what happens when that person you shared the covers with during those long snowy nights becomes more than just a cuddle buddy? Many of us don't enter into these relationships (and I use that term loosely) with any intentions of continuing said relationship after the groundhog sees his shadow. But sometimes life has other plans for us. Cuddle buddies don't only share a bed for the night. They share time, conversations, laughs, tears, jokes, stories and sometimes secrets, hopes, dreams and fears. These mixed with the physical aspects that are sure to be involved (whether it be kissing, sex or something in between) can lead to feelings from one or both parties that weren't expected or may not even be wanted.

I'm in my fourth year in college and I've never had a legitimately cuddle buddy. I've shared that extra long twin mattress a few times, but there were always feelings involved in one way or another. Now that December is here and I'm moved into my own off campus apartment, I've been thinking about having someone around for companionship and to keep the heating bill as low as possible. I'm not dating or talking to anyone right now and that's the way I like it. But taking all of this into consideration, I don't want to put myself or anyone else in a position where the summer rolls around and we aren't sure where we stand. Maybe I'll take the chance, maybe I'll add another blanket to my bed brave the Pennsylvania winter on my own. Who knows?

Happy cuddling :)

-Niss.
The Trophy on the Shelf (Even If No One Stops and Stares)

#nowplaying Wale featuring Miguel - Lotus Flower Bomb

I Feel Pretty/Unpretty

Everyone wants to be beautiful.

This is a fact of life. In 2011, we have so much access to media via television, internet and magazines and we spend so much time deciding what looks good and what doesn't, what's in style and what isn't, what's acceptable and what is not. Things that everyone was wearing yesterday are being traded in for something new. It's almost impossible to keep up.

The media doesnt just shape how we dress and how we style our hair. It has a lot to do with what we believe is beautiful, both in ourselves and in other people. Roscoe Dash had black men wearing mohawks, Cassie had young girls shaving one side of their heads, Kim Kardashian had 100 pound white girls doing squats and trying to make their asses bigger. As human beings, we all just have an overwhelming desire to be accepted and even envied by other human beings. Human beings who are flawed just like we are.

We try so hard to gain validation from other people, a lot of us end up being unhappy with ourselves. We don't know who we are or what we like because we are trying to perpetuate the image of ourselves that we want others to see.

I'm guilty of this every single day. I make so many decisions based on what other people think. I'm trying this new thing where I do what makes me happy. Whether or not I feel beautiful shouldn't have anything to do with who tells me I'm beautiful or who pays attention to me. It's a struggle, because I'm still trying to build my self confidence. I like to come off as a person who has it all together, but the truth is, I'm very insecure. Ive come a long way from when I was a teenager. I'm a young lady coming into my own, but accepting that we all have things that we are insecure about is the first step in embracing what makes us beautiful.

-Niss

#nowplaying Teedra Moses - The One

Back On My Bullsh*t: Planning My Life, Cuffin' Season & Other Random Mumbo Jumbo

Heyyyy! I'm back! Did ya miss me? Of course you did.

I've neglected this blog a little bit thanks to twitter and tumblr, but I'm going to go back to voicing my opinions on here. I don't even know if anyone is reading this, but it's a form of release for me and a way to document my college years so that I can look back on them later on.

So, what's been going on with me? Not much. Since my last blog post, I've moved out of my mother's house into my first apartment with my friend Jazz. I really like living on my own, but I don't like paying bills (LOL). I feel a lot more grown up now that I'm no longer living in a dorm room. I have unlimited access to a stove that I don't have to share with 200 other people, so I'm teaching myself how to cook by trial and error and I'm just enjoying learning how to take care of myself.

I turned 21 on September 26th. *throws confetti* It's great. I feels like a whole new aspect of my social life has opened up. I'm able to go out to the bar with friends (whether or not I decide to drink) and I now have access to Pittsburgh's South Side neighborhood after hours. The South Side is a hell of an experience. I've only been there twice so far, but I have stories from both nights that I'll probably remember for years.

I'm coming to the end of my seventh college semester, and I've FINALLY made a decision on what I'm going to do with this history degree. I'm going to continue on to get my Master's and Doctorate in some concentration of history (probably US History and also the history of Africans and those living in the Diaspora) and teach history at the post-secondary level. In ten years, I plan to be that professor with locs, a nose ring and randomly shows up to class in either a dashiki or a kufi. Can you picture it? I know I can.

It's late November. Apparently, this means it's "cuffin' season." I personally think it's really stupid to start a relationship with someone in the colder months and then decide you want to "do you" as soon as the groundhog sees its shadow. I don't plan on getting into a relationship with anyone unless there are truly feelings involved. That being said, I don't think there's anything wrong with having a cuddle buddy so I don't have to turn the heat on in my apartment (because like I said, I pay bills now). I don't have my eyes on anyone in particular, so it may not even happen. But who knows. *Kanye Shrug*

Anyway, I'll be back on this regularly. Hopefully #youcare.

Birth Certificates and the Death of bin Laden: My Two Cents

Disclaimer: This is my opinion. I appreciate feedback and having a discussion, even with those who disagree with me, but I do NOT appreciate attacking anyone for their opinions.

The other day when I found out that President Obama released a copy of his long form birth certificate, my first thought was "What the entire f*ck?!" The fact that the President of the United States felt the need to prove to a bunch of racist scumbags that he was born in Hawaii is unsettling to me.

First of all, with all the checks and balances in this country, anyone who believes he could have gotten past all of them during the primary, campaign, the general election and two years and almost two and a half years of his presidency without him being found out is an idiot. If Obama was really born in Kenya, Hilary Clinton would have come to the first debate, dropped the evidence on the ground and crip walked onto the 2008 ballot.

Secondly, Donald Trump taking credit for "forcing" the POTUS to release the birth certificate makes me want to throw up all over my keyboard. Donald, you are a joke. Nobody believes you will make it onto the ballot. If the leaders of the GOP are smart at all, they will not endorse you. And then, this guy says he wants to see the birth certificate himself...I wanted to throw chairs, flip tables and kick people in their shins. Donald, "who the hell are you?" Who died and made you the authority on whether or not something is legit? Nobody trusts your judgment. You thought that piece of roadkill on your head was a good look. You're living proof that money can't buy class.

I'm gonna go ahead and "play the race card." This whole birth certificate nonsense is racism. The birthers want to do anything to discredit Barack Obama's presidency because he's a black man. Back in the 1800s, we were property and 3/5ths of a person. Blacks were not supposed to succeed to the presidency. In 2008, we turned the game on its side, and now they want to rectify the situation. And also, Barack Obama's educational past is being called into question. There's no doubt the man is brilliant, but yet, there are people out there who believe he was not worthy of getting into Columbia or Harvard, so now they want him to release his transcripts. People never cease to amaze me.

Osama bin Laden's Death
Last night, I was studying for finals with Tweet Deck up in the background. All of I sudden, my timeline started moving ridiculously fast and I stopped it to see what was going on. Everyone was saying that Osama bin Laden had been killed, and my heart started beating a mile a minute. I turned on CNN, and sure enough, he had been killed and the nation was awaiting a speech from the president.

My first feeling was relief. Bin Laden was the figurehead of Al-Qaeda, the group who masterminded and carried out 9/11. I was ten years old when it happened and in my sixth grade English class when I heard about it. Those of us who were old enough to know what was going on will never forget where we were when we heard the news. The same way older people will never forget where they were when JFK was assassinated or when Dr. King was assassinated. 9/11 was a defining moment of our generation.

After the initial relief, I felt excited. Then immediately, I felt guilty. Despite the terrible tragedy that occurred on September 11, 2001, how could I call myself a Christian, or even a decent person as I sit here and celebrate the death of another human being? I'm very conflicted over this. Also, I'm a little afraid. The death of Osama bin Laden does not mean the end of Al-Qaeda. The only thing I can do is pray there will be no retaliation.

My address to the twitter "conscious" and "radicals" about your questions after the death was announced:

No, gas prices are not about to drop. Bin Laden does not own all the oil, if he owned any.

No, the troops are not coming home, like tomorrow. First of all, you can't just withdraw troops all at once. Secondly, we've made so many enemies in this so-called "War on Terror," that bin Laden wasnt even the central point. Former President Bush made that clear to us years ago.

That's my opinion. Comment. Or not. Whatevs.

Poem: Late Night Creep

No strings attached
Was What I told myself
When I made my way to your room that night
A hoodie and leggings and out the back door
Just trying to stay out of sight
Just a few hours later
I held my head high
And all those feelings dissolved
A smile on my face
Because when I made the walk back
There was no shame involved
My heart never meant for commitment
When the dark cut you off from my sight
But my head on your chest
Felt like a puzzle piece
Finding the one spot it fit into just right
Now a piece of the picture is missing
And Im wishing that you were just here
The silence echoes off the dorm room walls
Without your heart beating in my ear
My head says "no strings attached"
But my heart quickly dismissed that demand
Who ever thought I'd catch feelings
From a cuddle buddy one night stand?

-Niss: The Trophy On the Shelf (Even If No One Stops & Stares)